too late

i feel like most things in my life happen "too late." becoming good friends, admitting love. it's always too late.

cherish, my best friend is an example of this. we were kind of good friends in high school, but it wasn't until the summer before i left we became really really close. i mean, we have a great relationship. we're great friends, but it would have been nice to spend years getting to know her face to face rather than over texts, calls and facebook chat. i just hate that i realize how great people are in the most inopportune time. it's just not cool. same thing happened with emily. i didn't know how great she was until these last two weeks. why didn't we hang out until this year? why do i only have a semester left to build our friendship into something that will last forever?

this also happens with males. i admit my "love" for a guy when he's hundreds of miles away, rather than when i felt it right away. and then another guy and i finally admitted that we've had feelings for each other for quite a while. but now he has a girlfriend that he's living with, and should marry someday. why did we wait so long? we have all these excuses as to why, but we should have just said it rather than hide it. it's just super lame.

i know God has His timing, and that everything happens when it does for a reason--it's just frustrating knowing i couldn't open myself up enough to embrace all God has for me. this is in all aspects. like with cherish. her and i complete each other. she has what i don't and i have what she doesn't. why didn't i realize this in high school? why couldn't i just tell the guys i've fallen for them that i like them at that moment? what is holding me back where i just feel like i can't open myself up? i think it all boils down to the trust issues that everyone seems to have...

it's kind of interesting, because today we were talking about the fall of adam and eve and how they lost parts of the perfection that God had given them. i feel like this is also with trust. like adam and eve had perfect trust, and with the fall they (we) lost this. i have no Biblical basis to this. it's just what i think. i mean adam and eve did have it perfect. so part of that would have to be trust, i think.

plato said that there are two worlds. the world of becoming and the world of being. he said the world of being is where everything is perfect and becoming is the world we are in now. i don't feel like all of his philosophical views were correct, but i do kind of agree with it in the way of emotions. God has the perfect love, trust, etc. we can't acquire that until we go to heaven. so maybe we're forever doomed to not have complete trust in people. i know that people will fail and will give you every reason to distrust them. but why i can't i trust people until they give me a reason not to trust them? and even when they give me a reason, why can't i forgive them? why i am i so quick to hate and lack trust in others? why? i just wish there was some way to fix that because i feel like it's kind of a jerk thing to do. and totally not something Christ would do. i dunno. it just sucks.

and to tie it all up, i'm going to say that i hate that everything happens too late. it really just straight up pisses me off.