love is like a cigarette...

oh that first ignition of warmth

embers free the begging smoke

indescribable, blissful delicacy

but then comes the first detachment

a thumb nail jostles the unwanted

the smolder crawls near

finally, the grasp of devastation

its heat no longer assures

a collision of filter and foot end it all.

now you will repeat to nourish that obsession

i want to get lost in the back roads of the city with you

i don't know why i wait so long to blog. actually, i do. i kind of hate the idea of blogging. it's so cliche and 21st century-esque. i'm not a big fan of those two things... but yet, here i am. your own walking paradox.

onto other things. i don't even know what other things to "blog" about. i know what i want to say and how to put it well, i just don't know if i can. there are numerous reasons why i'm holding back:

1. because i don't know who actually reads this, or who will happen to fall upon it. what if one of his good friends reads it? what if he is extremely bored one day and decides to read it? would it make him happy or would it creep him out that i'm writing about him?

2. i'm not sure i'm ready to admit what i feel. it seems as if once something is written down, it becomes permanent. it is no longer an idea or a light hearted text that will eventually erase itself from both phones. i mean, i could easily push delete on this post but if i post then why would i want to delete it? if i finally decide to let it all out, then it's out. taking it back would be pointless and cowardly.

3. maybe it's all fake. maybe the twist of my stomach is just old feelings resurfacing. maybe it's this insane desire to want love. or maybe i'm just so afraid and so full of doubt that i feed myself these crazy lies. can physical longing be faked? it's easy to convince your brain, for the most part, that you care about this person. but can the butterflies and the difficulty breathing be faked? probably... we watch people fake love in movies. one of my favorite depictions of love is james mcavoy in becoming jane. he has that slight shake of his hand as he goes to kiss her. it seems as if that love isn't faked but then again it doesn't last all day, but simply a scene in a 2 hour movie. and what about me? i have no audience but myself. my stomach goes crazy when i think about the things he said or when i "happen to stumble" upon his profile.

i guess i can write a bit about him... first of all, let's make this clear. i don't think i love him. i think there is that potential there but i don't feel it now. i do think he is the most attractive person i know. i don't mean hottest or the most buff. but instead, all around he dominates... the way he holds himself, the way he smokes his cigarette, the way that he scrunches his nose when he wants me to laugh with him, the way the sides of his top lip curls into his teeth when he's really laughing, the way he sometimes he looks at me out of the corner of his eyes accompanied by a slight grin as if to speak to me silently. i am so attracted to him. i am enamored by him.

aside from the fact that i have no idea how he feels, the worst part is that i can picture it all happening so beautifully. i can see us walking hand in hand with him through the city, the mountains, the park, the great salt lake, anywhere. i can see us sitting on top of the salt lake library admist the snow and just admiring the beauty of it all. i can see us sitting in a car screaming along with the music over the roar of the freeway and driving until we can't drive anymore. i can see us finally ending up on the east coast, running around in the atlantic and being completely enamored with each other. i can see all of the silly, precious pictures that we would take.

what does this mean? it's vivid. it's there. but what if it can't happen because of the past? will this simply be a story that was never told? i don't want that. i want this story to be lived out. i want it to be disgustingly romantic but void of cheap cliches. i want deep, true, passionate love. and i want it with him. and the fact that i want it with him will probably make it so it doesn't happen. life seems to turn out that way. but despite all my concerns before, this is how i feel and i honestly don't care if it turns out that the world knows, if admitting them makes me weaker and more vulnerable, or if it turns out that the feelings weren't as extreme as my stomach was portraying. i want him. i want him to pull me in and just hug me while i rest my head in his chest. i want to wake up next to his smile after a long day at work that results in a nap at his place. that's all i want. not fancy dates... just comfort. the comfort of knowing that in his arms i'm safe and that i can just be me. i planned to end this a few sentences ago, but yet here i am. going on and on. why am i completely enamored and why did it happen so quickly? because of the past? i don't know. but here's another guy, getting a blog post devoted to him. what does this make me...? i don't know. but i will say this "outta sight. outta mind"... i definitely think that this relevant and true in this situation.

well, goodbye for another few months, probably. i will end on this quote:

“have you ever been in love? horrible isn't it? it makes you so vulnerable. it opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. you build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...you give them a piece of you. they didn't ask for it. they did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. love takes hostages. it gets inside you. it eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. it hurts. not just in the imagination. not just in the mind. it's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. i hate love.” -neil gaiman

lovely.

so i've been trying to write a good post for a while now. i don't want to say something that isn't at least somewhat worthwhile like my last post. those are rare for me (actually a post in general is rare for me, it seems). a lot of things have been going on in my life. specifically things with love. it's occurring in all aspects. i watch my friend who is in love with my best friend but she wants nothing. i watch my friend like this guy who has a girlfriend. she let him know and now i'm watching him struggle to figure out the kind of love he wants. i watch my friends that don't have anyone realize how lonely they are. and then they struggle with the thought of soul mates or just being with someone one day. then here i am trying to figure out my own love situation.

i thought that possibly by writing out all my thoughts on love i'd come to some divine conclusion as to why we all suffer through this stuff. but i did not succeed. maybe some country music will generate some thought... but not really. i just feel like we're all stuck in this constant cycle. this cycle of liking someone that doesn't like us back. or that they do but it won't work for whatever reason. it's not fair. we grew up with this thought that against all odds, you'll end up with the person that means most to you. maybe this will happen. i don't know. i have to constantly remind myself that i'm nineteen years old and have a long time to figure all this out and encounter this seemingly unattainable love. it all just sucks.

i want to be with him. i want him to want to be with me. but even when i text him i know he doesn't think about that. doesn't believe that i want it so bad. but it's there. he's there. always. if he's not at the forefront of my mind, he's hanging out in the back waiting for an opportunity to come out and be thought about fully again. this isn't fair either. but really, i'm doing it to myself. i'm blogging about him, texting him, talking to about him to my friends. i'm not even trying. why? i don't know. maybe because i feel that little piece of hope. that hope won't let me let him go. maybe hope is the evil of all things. people say they hate love, but maybe they really just hate hope. hope is what makes it so they won't let go of that love. and why do we hope? because we are selfish, egotistical beings. we think that maybe there will be something inside of us that will make them want to change everything. we think that with one word, one action they will realize that the love had been there all along. even as much as people are insecure and don't think they're worth something. we do know that there is something good about us. something that will make someone, someday want to hold us in their arms for all time. we have to long for that or we would never be able to go on.

it says in the Bible when God is telling eve her curse that she will have a desire for her husband. this is an interesting fact to me. it's obvious that we were meant for love. and since it's a part of the curse/punishment, then maybe we're meant to suffer through it and someday it'll work out. i don't know. these are just all my current ramblings on love.

i'll leave you with this thought:

plato believed that we were all made with 4 legs, 4 arms and 2 faces. zeus was afraid of our ability to over power him so he separated us and sent us to earth. in that we all are constantly searching for our soul mates--our other half.

i don't know if i believe in soul mates. but this is interesting. ha.

quizzes and newsletters

well, i brought back the facebook. who knew that you could bring social networking sites back from the dead? anyway, i was working today. i wasn't really working, but i was hanging out and was pretty bored and decided to take random stupid quizzes online. this was one of them:

Dr. Seuss Personality Test

Courtney took the Dr. Seuss Personality Test quiz and the result is Cat in the Hat

You like to mix things up and keep everything fresh. You are funny, sarcastic, witty and energetic. You enjoy spending time with your family and have an insatiable thirst for knowledge.


whoever made this, is a smart cookie. pretty much describes me exactly. so facebook is back in my life. and it's fine. i mean, i'm still addicted but for some reason i'm alright with that. whatevs man. haha.

school is lame as always and i don't really have anything profound to say about it... just that i'm stuck in this rut that i never dreamed i be in. i can't wait to live somewhere crazy and out there. i cannot wait. speaking of which, took a quiz for that too:

Dublin

You love the beautiful green nature that Ireland has to offer you. The outskirts of this city is a peaceful place to live, where you can look out over endless rolling green hills. Also, you like cold weather during the winter! You should move to Ireland!

yep, someday. me and dublin. we're gonna have great times. facebook quizzes might be a waste of time to some, but i love them. i mean, i already knew i should live overseas, but it's so much more assuring when some weird facebook quiz agrees with you...ha. but really. makes me happy that it got it right.



in other news, us mail roomers made a newsletter and it's fantastic. very satirical, sarcastic and mean. but hey, that's who we are. my life is fun sometimes. hahah. i'm the co-editor, which means i can put it in my resume someday. yesss! i'm going to try to figure out a link for it one of these days. anyway. i'm out. no philosophy and insights today :)