lovely.

so i've been trying to write a good post for a while now. i don't want to say something that isn't at least somewhat worthwhile like my last post. those are rare for me (actually a post in general is rare for me, it seems). a lot of things have been going on in my life. specifically things with love. it's occurring in all aspects. i watch my friend who is in love with my best friend but she wants nothing. i watch my friend like this guy who has a girlfriend. she let him know and now i'm watching him struggle to figure out the kind of love he wants. i watch my friends that don't have anyone realize how lonely they are. and then they struggle with the thought of soul mates or just being with someone one day. then here i am trying to figure out my own love situation.

i thought that possibly by writing out all my thoughts on love i'd come to some divine conclusion as to why we all suffer through this stuff. but i did not succeed. maybe some country music will generate some thought... but not really. i just feel like we're all stuck in this constant cycle. this cycle of liking someone that doesn't like us back. or that they do but it won't work for whatever reason. it's not fair. we grew up with this thought that against all odds, you'll end up with the person that means most to you. maybe this will happen. i don't know. i have to constantly remind myself that i'm nineteen years old and have a long time to figure all this out and encounter this seemingly unattainable love. it all just sucks.

i want to be with him. i want him to want to be with me. but even when i text him i know he doesn't think about that. doesn't believe that i want it so bad. but it's there. he's there. always. if he's not at the forefront of my mind, he's hanging out in the back waiting for an opportunity to come out and be thought about fully again. this isn't fair either. but really, i'm doing it to myself. i'm blogging about him, texting him, talking to about him to my friends. i'm not even trying. why? i don't know. maybe because i feel that little piece of hope. that hope won't let me let him go. maybe hope is the evil of all things. people say they hate love, but maybe they really just hate hope. hope is what makes it so they won't let go of that love. and why do we hope? because we are selfish, egotistical beings. we think that maybe there will be something inside of us that will make them want to change everything. we think that with one word, one action they will realize that the love had been there all along. even as much as people are insecure and don't think they're worth something. we do know that there is something good about us. something that will make someone, someday want to hold us in their arms for all time. we have to long for that or we would never be able to go on.

it says in the Bible when God is telling eve her curse that she will have a desire for her husband. this is an interesting fact to me. it's obvious that we were meant for love. and since it's a part of the curse/punishment, then maybe we're meant to suffer through it and someday it'll work out. i don't know. these are just all my current ramblings on love.

i'll leave you with this thought:

plato believed that we were all made with 4 legs, 4 arms and 2 faces. zeus was afraid of our ability to over power him so he separated us and sent us to earth. in that we all are constantly searching for our soul mates--our other half.

i don't know if i believe in soul mates. but this is interesting. ha.