onto other things. i don't even know what other things to "blog" about. i know what i want to say and how to put it well, i just don't know if i can. there are numerous reasons why i'm holding back:
1. because i don't know who actually reads this, or who will happen to fall upon it. what if one of his good friends reads it? what if he is extremely bored one day and decides to read it? would it make him happy or would it creep him out that i'm writing about him?
2. i'm not sure i'm ready to admit what i feel. it seems as if once something is written down, it becomes permanent. it is no longer an idea or a light hearted text that will eventually erase itself from both phones. i mean, i could easily push delete on this post but if i post then why would i want to delete it? if i finally decide to let it all out, then it's out. taking it back would be pointless and cowardly.
3. maybe it's all fake. maybe the twist of my stomach is just old feelings resurfacing. maybe it's this insane desire to want love. or maybe i'm just so afraid and so full of doubt that i feed myself these crazy lies. can physical longing be faked? it's easy to convince your brain, for the most part, that you care about this person. but can the butterflies and the difficulty breathing be faked? probably... we watch people fake love in movies. one of my favorite depictions of love is james mcavoy in becoming jane. he has that slight shake of his hand as he goes to kiss her. it seems as if that love isn't faked but then again it doesn't last all day, but simply a scene in a 2 hour movie. and what about me? i have no audience but myself. my stomach goes crazy when i think about the things he said or when i "happen to stumble" upon his profile.
i guess i can write a bit about him... first of all, let's make this clear. i don't think i love him. i think there is that potential there but i don't feel it now. i do think he is the most attractive person i know. i don't mean hottest or the most buff. but instead, all around he dominates... the way he holds himself, the way he smokes his cigarette, the way that he scrunches his nose when he wants me to laugh with him, the way the sides of his top lip curls into his teeth when he's really laughing, the way he sometimes he looks at me out of the corner of his eyes accompanied by a slight grin as if to speak to me silently. i am so attracted to him. i am enamored by him.
aside from the fact that i have no idea how he feels, the worst part is that i can picture it all happening so beautifully. i can see us walking hand in hand with him through the city, the mountains, the park, the great salt lake, anywhere. i can see us sitting on top of the salt lake library admist the snow and just admiring the beauty of it all. i can see us sitting in a car screaming along with the music over the roar of the freeway and driving until we can't drive anymore. i can see us finally ending up on the east coast, running around in the atlantic and being completely enamored with each other. i can see all of the silly, precious pictures that we would take.
what does this mean? it's vivid. it's there. but what if it can't happen because of the past? will this simply be a story that was never told? i don't want that. i want this story to be lived out. i want it to be disgustingly romantic but void of cheap cliches. i want deep, true, passionate love. and i want it with him. and the fact that i want it with him will probably make it so it doesn't happen. life seems to turn out that way. but despite all my concerns before, this is how i feel and i honestly don't care if it turns out that the world knows, if admitting them makes me weaker and more vulnerable, or if it turns out that the feelings weren't as extreme as my stomach was portraying. i want him. i want him to pull me in and just hug me while i rest my head in his chest. i want to wake up next to his smile after a long day at work that results in a nap at his place. that's all i want. not fancy dates... just comfort. the comfort of knowing that in his arms i'm safe and that i can just be me. i planned to end this a few sentences ago, but yet here i am. going on and on. why am i completely enamored and why did it happen so quickly? because of the past? i don't know. but here's another guy, getting a blog post devoted to him. what does this make me...? i don't know. but i will say this "outta sight. outta mind"... i definitely think that this relevant and true in this situation.
well, goodbye for another few months, probably. i will end on this quote:
“have you ever been in love? horrible isn't it? it makes you so vulnerable. it opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. you build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...you give them a piece of you. they didn't ask for it. they did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. love takes hostages. it gets inside you. it eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. it hurts. not just in the imagination. not just in the mind. it's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-
