dear life, why do you change and suck so much?

Tonight was one of the best nights of my life. Jordann, my best friend here at CCU, bought me a ticket to see Wicked for my birthday. She is the best friend ever. The show was phenomenal! I can't even put into words how great it was. I also can't articulate how appreciative I am of Jordann. Not just because of the ticket of course, she lets me vents to her, vents to me. She's just all around amazing. Seeing the show made me miss acting so much. Sometimes I wish I could just return to high school and do all of that again. It truly was an amazing time. Could you imagine being in Wicked... oh my gosh! That would be... wow. Amazing

Through the amazingness of the play, I really thought about God. I thought about how he gifted people with such wonderful talents. The woman who played Elpheba was amazing. You should have heard her voice. While I was in awe of the actors and actresses, I also stood in awe of God. How does He make something so great and pure? I don't know. It was just really an amazing experience for me, God wise, which is kind of crazy if you think about it. It's been a while since I've had a real experience with God where I just feel overwhelmed by his greatness and tonight I did. I cried at the end of play because of the ability he put in these people to sing and act and the talent he gave Gregory MacGuire to write such an original story. But then I came home...

I applied to go on mission trips with CCU this summer. There was one specific one where you backpack across Europe and just talk to people about life and what that life entails. Another one was a focus on the Muslim community in England. I really wanted to go on the backpacking one. So much. But, I didn't get picked for that one. I got picked for England. I know all of the responses like "God must have a different plan for you," "God knows what He's doing." I know all of that stuff, but just once I wanted to get something I wanted badly. I mean, I do get things I want but I feel like whenever it is a question of my character and who I am and how I can fit into somewhere, I don't get it. I just feel so down. It just gets old... I know all those things like God's plan is bigger than mine but why is my plan and what I want always so different from his? How is it that some people can get what they want no matter what? Are they so holy that they know what God's will is for them? Does God lead them in the way where he wants them? Why do I have to be so disappointed? Why? I just want to know why... I want to know...

And I hate that I went from standing in awe of God's creation and what He's done with people to feeling like this. I hate it so much, but I can't help it. I just don't know what to do. I don't know how to pray about whether or not I should go on a trip at all. I don't know how I can come to God with an open heart, because right now my heart is closed and I don't want to hear what God has to say about the matter. I just wanted, just for once to be able to do something I really really wanted. I wanted it so much... I just don't get it. Why, God? Why? Seriously... I am so tired of the stupid answers like it's His will. I'm just so done with the stupid Christian responses. But that's a rant for another time. I just want to know why... it is just so old and typical.
Sorry for all of the repetition. It was purely a stream of consciousness, rant type blog. That is all...

husbands.

Day two of no Facebook. I never thought something so frivolous would be so hard. I'm happy I'm doing it, don't get me wrong. I just get bored. I want to see what people are up to. My first repercussion of not having one happened today; I wasn't able to find out that Fake Blake has a girlfriend now. The second one was not seeing pictures my roommate, Trayce, uploaded. But until I don't feel the need and want of a Facebook I'm not going back. That might be never. I kind of feel like I'm a better person for not doing it. Not necessarily better than others, just better than I was before. People can do what they want with it and be as obsessed and fake as they want (not that everyone is fake). I'm just done with it, perhaps permanently, I don't know. Hopefully this will be my last post that begins with Facebook, because now that I'm obsessing with not having one, Facebook is still controlling me. Will it ever end?

Onto better things, perhaps: I realized the beauty that is SNL in the past couple of days, especially Weekend Update. That stuff is pure genius. I want to marry Seth Meyers. Genius. That quirky little smile. Definitely my future husband.

That is all.

Just kidding, it isn't. I'm tired of what women have become in the world. Perhaps, I'm becoming a feminist. I don't know. I just know that something has happened that has warped the meaning of what a woman is--we're resorting back to the Republican Mother, at least Christians are. The other day my roommates and I were talking about purity. Jenni brought up this technique to encourage purity, which was for the dad to give his daughter a bracelet with jewels on it to represent each step taken with a boy. Each time the girl does something with a boy, like hold his hand, kiss him she has to give her father a jewel. Is that really all we are? Are we only what we can offer our future husband? So what if a girl has sex? People make mistakes. A woman is so much more than her purity. I hope that my husband decides to marry me because he loves my strong will and laugh, not because I'm a virgin.

And in that, why do we, as women, define ourselves in having a guy? It's like that is all that matters in the world: falling in love, getting married and having children. I want something more than that. I want to be secure in myself. I want to be able to write. I want to be able to go to a coffee shop, sit and listen to some Death Cab without feeling the need to be with a guy. I know it's a desire that God has put inside of us, and that's ok. I want to fall in love as much as the next girl. But I don't want it to define what I do in life. I don't want it to be all I do in life. I don't want my husband to be the bread winner while I sit at home and accumulate cellulite while watching my offspring run around chasing after the dog. I want to travel. I want to try new things. I want to have freedom. I want to do so much more than be the housewife. Perhaps I get so annoyed with the women that want this because I know there's more than this. My mom has a desire to do missions, but she can't because of her family. I know she loves us and wouldn't trade us for anything, but I also know she would love to be a missionary. I want to do that stuff before I decide to reside in surburbia with every other good Christian woman in the United States. I just want something more.

I'm tired of the norms. I hate that I'm at school. I want to be doing something crazy. I'm going to stay in school because I know that's the right thing to do so I can eventually do what I want to do. But once I get out of here, I'm going to go do what I want and no one can stop me and the first person that does will be out of my life. I don't know, there's just so much more out there than what's easiest to grab. I want the challenge. I want the excitement and someday I'm going to get it, and I cannot wait.

My life quote: "Break out of that rut and jump feet first into something crazier and deeper than ever before."

I'm living my life like that. Husband or no husband. Bring it on world. (Don't worry, I'm sure Seth Meyers would love to take that journey with me and he has a lot of money.)

i shot the facebook

Well, I have started this lovely blog for one sole reason: I deleted my Facebook account. Facebook was, basically, sucking my life away. I was a drug addict and it was my favorite drug (not to rip off Stephenie Meyers or anything...). I was completely addicted. I thought about what I would write on it later, and if I had any notifications throughout the day. It was controlling me, in a weird sense.

I also just hate the social norm Facebook has created. Instead of learning more about each other, face to face, we resort to Facebook to get to know if a person is worth getting to know more than what their Facebook profile says. We (at least my roommates and I) read someone's about me and interests to see if they're witty or interesting enough to socialize with on a regular basis (usually subconsciously, but it still happens). I have put so much thought into my Facebook "about me" section. It really has just become a pathetic thing for me. When you deactivate your profile, the administrators ask for a reason as to why you're deactivating your account and I said "I am tired of being a part of this social manipulation. I want real conversation with real people, face to face." I didn't come up with this blunt statement all on my own; my co-worker, Bogs, helped me out. I am being a little dramatic about it all, but it has become something that nothing should become in anyone's life, let alone a Christian's (an obsession). It just bothers me, a lot. Way to go you people who can have one and not become entranced by the blue and white background. I am not that strong. The only way to stay away was to delete it. So, I shot the Facebook.


Now, aside from the destruction of my Facebook account, I had a good day. As a student body we are required to go to a two day symposium entitled "Faith, Family and Freedom." My day was filled with discussions about the institution of Christianity in our culture today, CCU, purity, politics and other little conversations. You'd think this would come from the symposium, but instead, I worked all day at the mail room and had these conversations with Bogs. It's funny to see how many people have the same views as you. It's also interesting to see how "liberal" (dismiss all negative connotations, please) many Christians are. And also how much you learn about yourself and your views on life and the things in it by talking openly and truthfully.

Part of our conversation, like I said, was about CCU. We were looking on the website and one of the headings was "True. Authentic. Real." We had an in depth conversation about this, of course, and what it really meant in a Christian's life and other's life too. It's amazing to see how many people aren't real here at CCU, but act like they are. I almost think that some people have even learned to convince their brain that they are being completely authentic and genuine which means to be sincerely felt or expressed. When someone dances around in chapel, raising their arms, closing their eyes (while peaking ever so often to look at others)--are they being real and authentic, or are they being what CCU expects them to be? I'm not one to judge, but of course I do. Some just seem so showy about it. I don't know how to take them when they do that. I just want someone to be real with me. I want a Christian that I say "how are you doing" to and they tell me "I'm actually having a really shitty day." We should be able to talk to each other as Christians. We should be able to confide in one another and listen to one another without churchy lingo that says "oh, well I'll be praying for you," when they're really thinking: "oh my goodness, they just swore--is that alright? Are they ok with God? I bet they are struggling with their beliefs. I bet they are. I need to pray for them," in the most smug way possible. Bogs attends a Life Group up in Boulder and he said what they have is real community and actually means something, rather than this bubble that CCU has created. Perhaps I want out of this place so badly because I feel like there's more out there; I could be doing more--I know there's more out there. I have experienced it. I don't really know why I feel so drawn away from this place. There are a few things I disagree with, but won't it be like that for every campus I'm on? I don't know why I hate it here so much. I know it has to do with family...actually, I do know. It's the title of this symposium: faith, family and freedom.

I want my faith to deepen. I have never felt closer to God than when I was out there doing something for Him and not just sitting in my apartment, writing a blog. He calls us to go out and make disciples of all nations. By sitting in my CCU bubble I'm not doing that at all.

With family, I just want to be with them. Oh, how I crave to be able to go home and just talk to my mother face to face. I want to be with her and hang out with her. She's part of my sanity. I want to be able to watch my brother's baseball games. I want to be there when all my sister wants to do is cry in my arms. I want to fall asleep on my dad's belly while watching ESPN or TNT. I don't know if it's what they call the "Sophomore Slump," or something more. Whatever it is, I want to get out of here. I want to be able to spread my wings and do something else.

Which leads me to freedom. I want to be free to make my own choices. I had so much more satisfaction in my choice not to drink, party and have sex when I wasn't required not to do so by someone who has felt the need to put themselves over me, as if they haven't messed up before. I know at a Christian college, there are going to be rules. I don't expect anything else. I do expect some grace and forgiveness from Christians, though. If a student gets in trouble six times, they're expelled. How is that the view of Christians? I guess I don't understand...Res Life sucks anyway haha.

Well, I have covered four F's today, and not even the most popular F word of all, go me. Facebook, F word number one, sucks. Faith, family and freedom are points that are completely misconstrued but are things I crave and want more than anything else. I hope the U and K2 can lead me that way.



*"I shot..." can be attributed to J.M. Barrie in Peter Pan