Well, I have started this lovely blog for one sole reason: I deleted my Facebook account. Facebook was, basically, sucking my life away. I was a drug addict and it was my favorite drug (not to rip off Stephenie Meyers or anything...). I was completely addicted. I thought about what I would write on it later, and if I had any notifications throughout the day. It was controlling me, in a weird sense.
I also just hate the social norm Facebook has created. Instead of learning more about each other, face to face, we resort to Facebook to get to know if a person is worth getting to know more than what their Facebook profile says. We (at least my roommates and I) read someone's about me and interests to see if they're witty or interesting enough to socialize with on a regular basis (usually subconsciously, but it still happens). I have put so much thought into my Facebook "about me" section. It really has just become a pathetic thing for me. When you deactivate your profile, the administrators ask for a reason as to why you're deactivating your account and I said "I am tired of being a part of this social manipulation. I want real conversation with real people, face to face." I didn't come up with this blunt statement all on my own; my co-worker, Bogs, helped me out. I am being a little dramatic about it all, but it has become something that nothing should become in anyone's life, let alone a Christian's (an obsession). It just bothers me, a lot. Way to go you people who can have one and not become entranced by the blue and white background. I am not that strong. The only way to stay away was to delete it. So, I shot the Facebook.
Now, aside from the destruction of my Facebook account, I had a good day. As a student body we are required to go to a two day symposium entitled "Faith, Family and Freedom." My day was filled with discussions about the institution of Christianity in our culture today, CCU, purity, politics and other little conversations. You'd think this would come from the symposium, but instead, I worked all day at the mail room and had these conversations with Bogs. It's funny to see how many people have the same views as you. It's also interesting to see how "liberal" (dismiss all negative connotations, please) many Christians are. And also how much you learn about yourself and your views on life and the things in it by talking openly and truthfully.
Part of our conversation, like I said, was about CCU. We were looking on the website and one of the headings was "True. Authentic. Real." We had an in depth conversation about this, of course, and what it really meant in a Christian's life and other's life too. It's amazing to see how many people aren't real here at CCU, but act like they are. I almost think that some people have even learned to convince their brain that they are being completely authentic and genuine which means to be sincerely felt or expressed. When someone dances around in chapel, raising their arms, closing their eyes (while peaking ever so often to look at others)--are they being real and authentic, or are they being what CCU expects them to be? I'm not one to judge, but of course I do. Some just seem so showy about it. I don't know how to take them when they do that. I just want someone to be real with me. I want a Christian that I say "how are you doing" to and they tell me "I'm actually having a really shitty day." We should be able to talk to each other as Christians. We should be able to confide in one another and listen to one another without churchy lingo that says "oh, well I'll be praying for you," when they're really thinking: "oh my goodness, they just swore--is that alright? Are they ok with God? I bet they are struggling with their beliefs. I bet they are. I need to pray for them," in the most smug way possible. Bogs attends a Life Group up in Boulder and he said what they have is real community and actually means something, rather than this bubble that CCU has created. Perhaps I want out of this place so badly because I feel like there's more out there; I could be doing more--I know there's more out there. I have experienced it. I don't really know why I feel so drawn away from this place. There are a few things I disagree with, but won't it be like that for every campus I'm on? I don't know why I hate it here so much. I know it has to do with family...actually, I do know. It's the title of this symposium: faith, family and freedom.
I want my faith to deepen. I have never felt closer to God than when I was out there doing something for Him and not just sitting in my apartment, writing a blog. He calls us to go out and make disciples of all nations. By sitting in my CCU bubble I'm not doing that at all.
With family, I just want to be with them. Oh, how I crave to be able to go home and just talk to my mother face to face. I want to be with her and hang out with her. She's part of my sanity. I want to be able to watch my brother's baseball games. I want to be there when all my sister wants to do is cry in my arms. I want to fall asleep on my dad's belly while watching ESPN or TNT. I don't know if it's what they call the "Sophomore Slump," or something more. Whatever it is, I want to get out of here. I want to be able to spread my wings and do something else.
Which leads me to freedom. I want to be free to make my own choices. I had so much more satisfaction in my choice not to drink, party and have sex when I wasn't required not to do so by someone who has felt the need to put themselves over me, as if they haven't messed up before. I know at a Christian college, there are going to be rules. I don't expect anything else. I do expect some grace and forgiveness from Christians, though. If a student gets in trouble six times, they're expelled. How is that the view of Christians? I guess I don't understand...Res Life sucks anyway haha.
Well, I have covered four F's today, and not even the most popular F word of all, go me. Facebook, F word number one, sucks. Faith, family and freedom are points that are completely misconstrued but are things I crave and want more than anything else. I hope the U and K2 can lead me that way.
*"I shot..." can be attributed to J.M. Barrie in Peter Pan
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